Holy Vipassana!!!

Sooooooo - it has been 2 days since I have emerged from a deep, dark and frightening cave called silent meditation. You see, upon discovering around Dec. 22 that I had to begin yet another round of heavy-duty antibiotics due to my most recent illness, I decided to forgo the original vacation itinerary of island hopping whilst binge-drinking, and instead opted to participate in a 10-day long Vipassana course where I could still my body and let it heal. I gotta be honest, I had NO idea what I was signing up for. My preconceived notions revolved around peaceful images of utter relaxation while exploring magical dreamworlds and prancing on floofy clouds. haHA! Let me first give you a breakdown of what the meditation involved:
1. No talking, gesturing, or any form of communication with anybody except our teacher and managers
2. No dinner
3. Waking up everyday to a gong at 4 am
4. Sitting with eyes closed everyday for 10+ hours

OK. So, I had read all of this before I signed up and thought, WOW, that sounds intense! This is going to kick my ass! Upon arriving at the retreat compound, I noticed I was becoming increasingly anxious and panicky. What the heck AM I doing here!?!?! Then, we had to sign a paper that said we were staying the full 10 days no matter what. Upon putting pen to the paper, I gagged a little. Some of the last words my friend Sara said to me before we officially entered "the cave" was "Zoe, anticipation of that which we fear is always worse than the thing itself." Um, WRONG.

So, we meditated for a little over 1 hour that first night and I got thru it ok. It was even kind of fascinating, as I had never really meditated before nor heard Buddhist chanting. However, beginning that night, wave upon wave of the most horrifying and sinister sensations and emotions began erupting forth from the depths of me. I certainly could not sleep, and at times, thought I could not even breath! My skin kept flushing ultra hot and sweat oozed from every pore. I was experiencing utter and total fear in its rawest form. After several hours, I got up to go to the bathroom. As soon as I lifted my foot out of the bed on onto the floor, I felt a juicy crunch and realized that I had managed to step directly onto a huge cockroach. UGHHHHHHHH. Could it get any worse!? Yes.

The next day, starting at 4:30 am, we began meditating, and did not stop until the morning of day 11(yes, we had small breaks and meals). I kept expecting the days to get easier, but they never did (and weren't necessarily supposed to)! Each day was a lifetime and I had this reoccurring image of a snail attached to the second hand of a clock - leaving its little slime trail as it continued slithering at an impossibly slow pace. I won't go into details about the very simple (yet torturous) techniques of meditation that we used, but I will say that the idea is to experience the truth about our existences, which inherently includes suffering. One must cleanse oneself of all the negative energy/emotions that has built up over the years by allowing it all to burp upwards from the bowels of one's being and stare it straight in the face. Tough stuff!! It would surprise ya too, because you wouldn't even know what had creeped up on you until you found yourself fighting hard not to flick off the innocent teacher ("sankara" or latent negativity of ANGER). Man.
Anyway, I popped out on the other side feeling rolly polly and discombobulated. However, I am still alive and that's what counts. I know this has changed my life, but I'm not sure how as yet. I do think that meditation is a very important and powerful tool to get to "know thyself," and I want to keep up the practice in my life. Do I think a 10 day course that feels like laying on a bed of nails is necessary to get one into the swing of things?---- Could not tell ya. I think if I had not be introduced to the technique in such a severe fashion, I would not have delved so deeply and thus not be as compelled to continue seriously seeking the truth and "knowing myself." Don't worry, I have NO plans on moving to Nepal, donning a robe, and shaving my head (although I have always wanted to do the latter). What I am committed to doing however, is seeking a path for myself in this world that creates the most joy, bliss, love, tolerance, and compassion possible - and to enjoy/share these things with others.
With that said, I need to go try to do some Peace Corps related work and each some lunch - YAY! I'm still missing everybody and love hearing about what's going on over there, in your lives. So, if you're ever bored, email/facebook me a letter!!! So much love - Zoe
C/O Levuka Post Office
Ovalau, Fiji
Pacific Islands